Personal Myths

okay, so i am going on a shamanic journey on thursday afternoon and i am trying to figure out what questions i wanna ask. the usual topics will come up i'm sure: love, work, spirituality, purpose, etc. but i am trying to formulate specific questions like how to best deal with my obsessive nature (have to do the same thing every day or i dont care about it very much) or why i cannot deal with many things at once, even a few, or what specifically is my "work" in the world...hell, if there is just a bypass system that can heal me of these unhelpful idiosyncrocies i would happily take that option too. i think the general limit is 3 or 4 topics, but the guides have the option of ignoring the inquiries and skipping to the really important stuff if they deem it necessary, and dont ya just know that that'll be me.

in other news, my favorite restaurant has the most adorable waitress that i would ask out in a heartbeat except that i am certain she is probably 19 years old. ~the kismet~ thinks she may be 23 or 24 though. i keep not asking her old she is because it seems like a loaded question; if someone asks how old you are they usually have an agenda (at least i think so) and we enjoy each others company and i am there 4 times a week so i dont wanna make an uncomfortable environment, and i just love going there about as much as i hate the house i live in, which is an exceptional amount...prodigious even. this place blows. that place rocks! hmmm...dilemma. i should just ask the guides how old she is or whether i should ask her out or not.

me dating someone seems like it would take a miracle. i am not kidding when i say that i would be less impressed with the gift of fish and loaves than if i was in a committed relationship, it is that far out of my reach.

thank God for chess...

the top 20 list:

1. my mother
2. my father
3. my sister
4. CHUG!
5. ~the kismet~
------------------
6-20 in no particular order (so you can still guess if ya wanna)

emily n.
*megan*
emily b.
rob m.
vidyuddeva
travis
kayla
schmed
mick
lorien
heather
scott
ro
rick
jazz

eating: palak paneer - just watched (before the gym): what the "bleep" - going to watch: UFO video or casablanca

just got back from the gym. arms/back day. i'm up to 163.5 pounds. last summer i hit 170, then my membership ran out at the Y and i started at 24 hour fitness and its always packed (so my routine got interrupted)! i hate trying to get dumbbells or on machines when its wall to wall people, so then i end up going after 10pm and get to bed very late (because i have to eat) and wake up late the next day and its like i'm 18 again. although to be fair, at 18 i would get up at 2pm and go to bed at 4am. its amazing how much sleep one can get if one is committed to skipping class. i do not advocate this position any longer.

back to 24: well, it really is open 24 hours but the good ones are taken, generally; i have made my peace with that, such as it is, and do what i have to do to get the work done. and i have absolutely no idea where i'm going with this.

so, my dvd-rom actually played all of "bleep" after kicking out at the 57 minute mark of the incredibles last night. dont tell me what happens though; i'll watch it again when chug gets home from visiting alakay. so, the question now is: do i want to watch all of the john mack video, or do i want to watch 57 minutes of bogart? hmmm...

you know what i find ridiculous; people thinking a language dying out is some kind of devistating travesty. ok, so i culled this topic by browsing yahoo's top stories. regardless, if it is an oppressive regime moving in and committing a form of culturcide, well i'm no big fan of that myself either. the form we seem to be encountering though is simply that people stop teaching/learning/using the language. hey, if i'm not wearing a sweater much anymore i'm taking it to the salvation army. i'm certainly not going to keep it around so i can be reminded of my pastel years. don't come to me to decry the injustice done to a language that no longer serves the population that created it. not to mention the fact that you have the last person fluent having to sit with a linguist for weeks teaching that bastard the language only so it can go into a vault for study at a later time after he/she is through. there's a simple phrase i think we would do well to have everyone learn and utlilize, no matter what dying language you speak: nothing eternal can be threatened. go ahead, say it. at least if we were speaking stuart's language we could conjugate in the causal tense and acknowledge that while we still value this language in the realm we currently preside in, we also see that our local tongue has very little to do the Witness. go IS.

alakay, obviously the voice in this blog does not necessarily reflect the views of the consciousness that wrote it.

:)

just got back from a workout (arms/back day).

the kismet just got home and i was thinking about when *megan* helped me get this blog up and running (i had never even heard of blogs until hers) and i would read hers and the kismets in the morning before going to work and see if anyone had commented (it was always travis, kismet, megan, emily, and sometimes k.a.y.l.a.) and comment on theirs and i loved all the new people i had met through stuart, and the road trips we took, etc. i am definitely attached to the way it used to be, and the way it used to be probably is the way it never was, but i miss it anyway.

ok alakay, this one's for you:

the most interesting thing that happened on our trip over the weekend (not my favorite thing, just the most interesting) was saturday night. after the show at the M shop we met at perkins (dave, abby, me, ugchay, alakay, scott, stuart, kevin - a linguist, knows 15 languages - and a couple of other folks that i was too tired to talk to or find out their names, + i had a headache) for a little bit, and i got a piece of wildberry pie from which i still have a raspberry seed stuck in my teeth, and other people got assorted food items. we soon broke out of there and tried to find a room along 35 but there was a conference in town and the first hotel was booked. so scott and i got in my car and alakay and ugchay got in hers and we went looking for a room. they found one in the microtel, they called my cell, scott and i drove over there, and we all plowed into the room (2 beds and a sofa).

i think ugchay got a shower while alakay gave me a wonderful massage - head, face, hands - and i was just about out of it. BUT we still had to come up with sleeping arrangements. for some reason, scott wanted to sleep on the floor on top of sofa cushions which basically left me with a bed to myself (YAY!) and the remainder was left for the other bed. everyone was pretty out of it and we turned out the lights and went to sleep...

...or did we? oh I did, and i am pretty sure scott did, but i woke up within an hour and heard rustling over in the other bed. a hideous melange of probing mouths, hoarse whispers, and the coarse grinding of sheets against bodies. someone else hadnt gone to sleep, and their "not sleeping" woke me up. i lay in my bed for 15 minutes wondering how to stop this so i could go to sleep (see, i cannot sleep very well and wake up easily, and i was staring at 11 hours of driving cuz ugchay sure as hell wasnt getting any sleep) and i decided to walk across the room and get my gatorade since i was thirsty anyway, and when they heard me they would stop and then be tired enough that while they were still and trying to be quiet, one of them would fall asleep. this is exactly what happens and i am a genius!

until i wake up a little later and they are going at it again. by this time i want them dead; if they were dead i might get some sleep, at least until their rotting corpses started to smell really bad.

(wait...did i forgot to tell you that after my genius plan worked i myself couldnt fall back asleep for OVER A GOD DAMNED HOUR???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

i somehow fall asleep again and then am woken a third time and this time i look over hoping i can kill one of them by staring daggers into them and i see someone is underneath the covers either undressing the other or going down on said other. now i am caught in a dilemma: i want them both dead BUT, i am also happy they are getting some. not happy enough to not complain about it later, but happy enough to hope they get it over with reasonably quickly, which they do. i see alakay get out of bed and go into the bathroom. as ugchay lays there i whisper-beg him to please be done so i can sleep and he informs me they are. finally, uninterrupted sleep...

...until ugchay's GOD DAMNED PHONE ALARM GOES OFF in 5 minute intervals 3 motherfucking times! each time i fall back asleep and re-enter a different dream only to hear it screeching at me again. that bastard finally hears the shit the third time and turns it off and he has now been responsible for waking me 6 times in 5 hours, and i havent had a decent nights sleep in 3 days! by now it is 7am and everyone is up (in fact we find out that both scott and i were awake as they were going at it) and scott suggests he and i go for a walk to give them some alone time. scott is a saint; by contrast, i hate them with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns. i tell him there is no way in hell i am getting out of the bed and ugchay says that everyone should sleep, which we all do until 11am.

i have felt like crying all morning/early afternoon and i am not sure why, but i am not good at crying. in fact, i am not very good at feeling period. oh, sure, i can be quite bombastic and generate tons of energy, but in almost every other way i seem to have a governor that wont let me feel past a certain point, and i have to slow down. i get to overwhelmed pretty easily, and get dejected faster than i should. i dont really wanna go back to work on thursday, that much i DO know. oh, humanness...